The artist

The audience

The film

The Christening

Sit with me for a moment and remember

The artist shows the first film of himself in existence - an 8mm amateur movie of his Christening shot by his late Uncle Fred. He is on film but he cannot recall being filmed. He is there but he is not there. The performance is an act of repair, an invitation to remember the event and to help him to fill in the gaps left behind. Created for the Biennale of Young Artists from Europe and the Mediterranean, the project is supported by Dance4, Nottingham Trent University and Trampoline.

Michael Pinchbeck is a writer, live artist and performance maker based in Nottingham, UK. His work is an exit strategy from the everyday. He operates autobiographically by using self and site-as-source to illustrate loss and explore absence. He aims to challenge the boundaries of text, performance and installation. He is interested in moments when work ceases to mean and how we reconfigure the meaning at these moments.

Sit with me for a moment and remember

I saw a park bench by a lake with the words 'Sit with me for a moment and remember' written on it. I go to the market to get a plaque engraved for a park bench. The man behind the counter asks me to write down my message and as I write he reads out the words. He says 'I've done this one before - Sit with me for a moment and remember me'

The Family

The Godparents

The Grandparents

The Parents

The Pinchbeck family

Photo album 2

Photo album

Zaprudder

This is amazing that you could trace which of these – who was taking these photos by watching the film. There’s definitely that one of Harry sitting on the bench. You could do a Zaprudder style angle of who was sitting where and who took the photograph. Were you conscious on the day of the camera. Only in the bits where there are posed grouped. That bit under the balcony but not particularly that bit on the field. Do you remember any directions? No he just filmed it as it was. I don’t know whether he had a tripod for the photos on the bench or whether it was handheld. It looks like its handheld.

Slide Shows

Do you remember when Uncle Fred first showed you the film? It would have been in our present house and we weren’t in our present house until November of that year. Christmas 1976. Did he film a lot of family events? That’s the only one I remember. I remember seeing it once at Granny’s. Slide shows. Slides of Granny’s holiday. There is a chance that Granddad might have been there. Do you know what the history of this is? It hasn’t been passed around. It’s been in a trunk. We’re lucky we’ve been able to find it. It feels a bit precious. Is it possible to record the soundtrack. I don’t want to let go of it. Did he bring the camera along on a sort of ad hoc basis? He offered because he’d given us some film shows in the past. He’d come along to see us and brought some film shows. He would entertain us with film shows. Cartoons. Short films. When we invited him to the Christening he said ‘shall I bring my camera along?’ Did he produce it in his edited form? Yes. He did that himself? Yes. It had a music track. Vidor Staccata. Arrival. And the Departure. Here you can see M Pinchbeck Christening would that be Uncle Fred’s handwriting? Yes. Do you remember what the other sounds were? Music. No speaking.

Uncle Fred

I was going to ask you about Uncle Fred. He died a few years ago. His first wife was Aunty Jean who died. After quite a long lonely period he remarried Mabs and he was very happy with her. He lived in Waddington. Southern Lincolnshire heights. Near RAF Waddington. On the road to Grantham. He was Grandad’s cousin. My first cousin once removed. Your first cousin twice removed. If Uncle Fred had had any children then they would have been my second cousin and if he had had any grandchildren then they would have been your third cousin. Would Uncle Fred have been single on this day? Was his wife around? He would have been a widower. Did you see him often? He was an ambulance driver. If he was ever in the area. Same way that he was a postman and he would pop in. Now and again. Not regular. He is only in one photo because he was filming the photographs being taken.

Photos

A lot of these photos will be ones that you can see being taken in the film. Aunty Mary and Richard. Stuart there. Stuart and Andrew I think. I was asleep for some of it. The Kirks. That one Nicola. There’s Uncle Fred. That’s not at Gram’s is it? Doesn’t feel like the same day and the same place. That’s Evelyn. David’s sister Evelyn. Is that Aunty Delia’s house? That’s Maria? Ruth? Julie. John’s daughter Julie. That’s Graham at the back.

Godparents

Certainly on the day there was a lot of family there. Three babies there. You, Richard and Louise. Young Nicola and Helen with a bushy mop. There were a lot of babies on the bench. Granddad holding. Gillian the Godmother. Graham born in 1954, and Harry, the Godfathers.

Smiling

I’ve never seen Mum smile for so long. On the film. On the film Mum is smiling for such a long time. When she is not smiling her face gives the impression she’s not happy. But this she’s happy all the time she’s on the screen. Someone from G and S says there’s an innate sadness in mum since 1998 onwards. Sadness behind the eyes. Not so much now but in those first few years. It’s this maternal bond thing I think that we men find it hard to comprehend…

Christening

What do you remember about the Christening day? We were staying with Gram and Granddad in Thorney. We were still living in Fenstanton. We were able to have it at Moorland Park because we were still members of the church. We arrived in our car. We started going over to meet Mother and father and Graham when they arrived. Uncle Fred had already got there and set up the camera. I just remember being happy and proud we’d actually made it. And we could do the honours for you.

Holiday

We had a family holiday in Morgan Pawth in Cornwall when you started to walk, pushing a truck of bricks, and that’s where Robert got started. He was born the following March. I was there for Robert’s birth – it was a much shorter term. 9pm at night There was no epidural. No drip. I think mum came back after 48 hours from that one. She was in for a week for you. There was no less excitement. Also – what was nice when Robert came was that there was a brother for you and you were so close together which held true all the rest of the time, didn’t it ? I think actually Robert sort of grew up to you rather than you being dragged down to him. He was almost brought up to your level age-wise. Then he started being taller than me.

Relief

That’s when I got a job in Nottingham to come to. Meant it was nearer home a lot of benefits. More relaxed, more excited. In that time people like Susan had got married and started producing. Uncle Anthony, Aunty Delia, Aunty Diana had all got their first two underway. It was a great relief to get up the first rung of the ladder. It was just relief. We didn’t really look much further beyond that.

Moving

I was in a fairly uncertain state. I had a bad year in 1971 when I was in hospital. I got bright enough to get engaged and married and then I think it was in October 1972 I was more or less told to look elsewhere for a job. They couldn’t see their way to keep me on. In 73 I got a job in Cambridge and moved down there. It took me a long time to get set in there I was still in a slightly dodgy state on medication or whatever. Never fully relaxed there. And then after three years they said you need to look elsewhere for a job.

Continuity

That feeling of continuity. Something we’d done. Could you talk about continuity. We might unpack these meanings. Like filial obligation. Well it’s the next generation. I don’t want to talk too much long term about names being continued with boys or whatever. I think what you have to remember is we were being overtaken by contemporaries who were getting married and having babies like mad. We had been trying for three years. We were on the point of going for the equivalent of IVF. Starting that ball rolling. To see if we needed special help. I think at some point we relaxed in the knowledge that something could be done. Also – we were at the point of moving back to Nottingham.

The birth

Do you remember the circumstances of the birth? My experience of the longest night. We went to the hospital because we thought you were starting but it was a phantom labour. I went in after work on the Friday and stayed in all night. It was the hottest summer. It was very uncomfortable. It was a heat wave. You can equate with the moment of delivery. The moment of wonder when the baby actually arrived. I don’t know when I was allowed to hold you. You were gathered up wiped over and weighed and then handed back to mum. Then you slept in a cot at the end of the bed.

Holding

I wanted to ask you a couple of questions. I want us to be aware of our relationship and aware of your relationship with your father and my relationship with my child. How did it feel to have me? Well it made us very happy and proud and we took it from there. How did it feel to hold me? Special. Mum remembers about the day. Gillian tried to hold you and you cried and you stopped crying when you were passed back to us. You liked lying on your tummy. I can remember holding you with your legs over the side of my arm.

Writing

It’s interesting that we both chose to work with words to describe our loss, to describe feelings we’re trying to make sense of. When Robert died as well we both wrote about it. I haven’t looked at those poems for a long time. The ones we did at the scattering. I know you wrote a beautiful poem for the baby too. I suppose by doing that we’re remembering. That’s the filial obligation I suppose. I suppose filial is like French for son/daughter - Latin filiius/filia.

Mattering

To me I open the drawer and I still get anxious about it. I think what’s important about that is that I’m not writing about the baby I’m writing about the photograph. What’s left behind. Acknowledging what you have been through. It’s a way in which Jacob has mattered. The idea of something mattering.

I'm still

Don’t beat yourself up about it. Leave the photograph there so at some stage if we wanted to we can see it that’s fine. I think Mum would appreciate seeing that poem. I’m still. This is the thing with the work that we’re doing I think here. The stuff with the outside world will always come in here. There’s a very thin line between what we talk about outside and what we talk about inside. To me knowing the photograph is there is the hope that it could be seen. I think we’re waiting to show you something happier than a photo. It’s there but it’s not there. It’s there to be seen but nobody sees it. I still haven’t looked at the ones we were given to us afterwards. I’ve only seen the ones from the birth.

Still

There’s a photograph in a box
In a bottom drawer
That smells of Ikea
Full of towels we forget are there
With a locket containing
A strand of your hair

There’s a photograph in a box
Which I carried home
From the hospital
Past pregnant girls smoking and smiling
In NHS nightgowns
Next to the no smoking sign

There’s a photograph in a box
Which I haven’t opened
Since I held you
At a 45 degree angle I can’t straighten
And saw the midwife cry
As she wrapped you up

There’s a photograph in a box
Which she brought back
After she took you
To weigh you and dress you
In clothes we bought before we knew
That we never saw you wear

There’s a photograph in a box
Taken too many hours later
When I asked where you were
And she said somewhere cold
So even though it’s Black and White
You look black and blue

There’s a photograph in a box
Which she showed us
As a precaution
To remind us what you looked like
And to make us decide
You were better off there

There’s a photograph in a box
Which would prove
What goes through my mind
When I look in the mirror
And see your upper lip
And my ginger hair

There’s a photograph in a box
In a bottom drawer
In a room
Like any other
Waiting for you
To have a sister or a brother

There’s a photograph
In a box
Still

Boy

A life however short is always mattered.
No-one goes without his mark is made.
May memories, now filled with grieving sadness
With grateful softening joy soon be o’erlaid.

You're never gone

I know you’re not alone. I know you’re far from home but home is anywhere with you. I know you’re always there. I know you’ll always be the bright side of the moon. You can make it up between the two of you. Did you know just how far you could fly. Did you know that our love was so strong?

Scarborough

I remember a time when we went to Matlock or Scarborough it was when we walking around the park. Peasholme Park. Where they have the battles on the lake. Battle of River Plate. I remember because you always had a ball in your pocket. Did you always have a ball in your pocket or was it Granddad? We always had a ball between us. I remember you throwing a ball down the slope towards me or Robert and Granddad being sharp with you and saying something and seeing that father son relationship. That generation. Passing a ball between each other. Throwing and catching, Throwing and catching.
We’d take the dog for a walk in the park and we’d have a ball and bowl to each other.
On beaches and things as well.

Advert

There’s that BT advert. It harks back to when he goes to football matches with his son and a goal is scored and he grabs him and then he punches him on the head or whatever. Then it goes to the present and the son and his grandson watching football and the same thing happens, while the grandson watches with embarrassment.

Article

Article I was reading because of the Blake Morrison book. A journalist was talking about different generations. He was describing when he went to a football match and there were lots of fathers on the touchline shouting at their sons going kick it and get it out. And they were almost over-zealous I their pride. Then he was remembering how his father wouldn’t have come if he was having a kickabout in the park. And then there was a moment when he was changing nappies and his father came round and said ‘I never once did that’ and he couldn’t work out whether his father was talking with pride or regret. Whether we have to find that middle ground between the over-zealous and the absent.

Approach

Were you conscious of that absence when you were a father? I know you didn’t have to go to war or anything? Was your approach to being a father informed by your father’s approach to being a father? Not consciously really you were the first so we were learning we went along. From moment to moment. There wasn’t a conscious decision because my Dad did or didn’t do this. I wasn’t following a pattern.

Absence

My father was in Palestine during the war. He came back and suddenly I wasn’t able to sleep in Mum’s bed or whatever. So there was a bond there with Mum that wasn’t the same for Dad. He was away when I was born. 43. He was up in Scotland during the war then he went to Palestine after the war. Then he had to come back with his bad leg. So there is a sort of father absence really at the start. He sort of caught up after that. In Absentia in the dictionary. Brackets. Disambiguation – what kind of word is that. It means being absent and the extent to which that prejudices somebody’s case. What does it literally mean in latin? In the absence. Noone shall be adjudged in his own cause and noone wll be condemned in his own absence. They do use phrases like In Camera when it’s in chambers. Not something I’ve come across. It may be in a legal type dictionary.

Filial Obligation

What is a filial obligation? To keep remembering fondly really. Filial derives from filius/filia meaning son/daughter. My father’s father (my Grandad) he was an old man and we used to live with him for a while. He became ill. One thing I really did miss. He always made a big fuss of me. Played with me. When he went into hospital what really got to me was when he did die. Granny didn’t want children around at all. I was farmed off to a friend when all that was going on. It wasn’t unexpected. Natural wastage type of things. Never the right time. End of the era. Fond to remember the good times.
Legacy for me is cricket and G and S. He was like Aunty Ethel. He just liked being with children that played. Parents are sometimes under pressure so Grandfathers can look after children without worrying about it. We were on a terraced house on Monks Road, Lincoln. Mind you we were next door to Granddad’s brother Uncle Harry. The Pinchbeck brothers included Francis, my Granddad, and Harry who lived next to each other. Francis had three sons Charles, Edward, Harry and Uncle Harry had two children, Elsie and Frank. They had a housekeeper Ethel who survived them all. She went into a home.

Hamlet

Father references stuck in my mind when you mentioned this. This is a scene from Hamlet, Hamlet is grieving because he’s lost his father, his uncle is going to marry his mother. This is Hamlet’s uncle now step-father speaking and Hamlet thinks the uncle has done away with father to steal the throne.

'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,
To give these mourning duties to your father;
But, you must know, your father lost a father;
That father lost, lost his; and the survivor bound, 90
In filial obligation, for some term
To do obsequious sorrow: but to persevere
In obstinate condolement is a course
Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;
It shows a will most incorrect to heaven, 95
A heart unfortified, a mind impatient;
An understanding simple and unschool'd;
For what we know must be, and is as common
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,
Why should we, in our peevish opposition, 100
Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,
To reason most absurd; whose common theme
Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,
From the first corse till he that died to-day, 105
'This must be so.'

Try

What I’d like to try later is have you describe the Christening. Essentially what I’m trying to do is recreate the Christening and I’m trying to remember what it was like to be there. I want to see if you can help me. I think it also touches upon Father and Son relationships. There’s a lovely show of you and Granddad walking past each other and the whole film is about parents and children. The idea I had was sometimes I look in the mirror and I see your face. I see you when you were younger. You when you were my age. There are times when we become our father or our fathers look like us. On the video you walk towards the camera and I think sometimes I walk like that. I’d like to try that walk.

The Beginning

Michael Pinchbeck takes the first film of himself in existence, a 16mm home movie recorded by his Uncle Fred, and re-enacts his Christening. Using the audience to stand in for members of his family and a bowl of water as the font, Pinchbeck tries to remember what it was like as he has no recollection of the event (although he has been told he cried a lot).

Part living room slideshow, part performance lecture, The Christening Project continues Pinchbeck’s fascination with absence as he attempts to fill the holes left behind by the live act with the relived memory. The Project operates in the space between words, between frames in a film, where ideas sit somewhere between being conceived and being born. A turning point - a point in time where change is possible – Kairos.